My Jesus,
You gave your life for me.
You deserve no less than the best of me.
But why is my heart hardened?
How can it be that I can’t find pleasure in seeking your face?
Why must I first be in need and in trouble, lonely or frightened before I turn to you?
How is it that when I make a list of interesting things I want to do, things involving you never make it to the top 5?
When someone asks me, “Do you love God?”
“Yes!” I declare.
Feeling insulted that they dared to ask me such a question.
Yet when I get home, I turn on the T.V. or pick up a best-seller; watch a movie, or play some non-addictive (?) computer games, and not think of you at all. And when it’s already late at night and I’m so tired and sleepy, I barely manage a hollow, “Thank you, Lord,” before I doze off.
Lord, I know I should love you with all my strength and mind and heart,
But even as I know this, I also know that, asked to choose between one hour of meditating on your word and 3 hours of watching a movie that has nothing in it that glorifies you, I would choose to spend my time away from you.
And yet if asked again if I love you, I would again defiantly answer, “Yes!”
But why do my actions fail to support my words?
If an outsider would observe my life, He would at last conclude that of all the things I have in this life, I prefer you the very least. Yet if this outsider would present to me his conclusion, I would rage at him, “You lie! You lie! You don’t have any right to judge me. You don’t know what I’ve been through, what I’m going through right now.” And with this my own declaration I promptly confirm to all the world that I hold my own sufferings graver and grander than what you suffered through in this world and on the cross to save me.
How have I grown so callous?
I hide behind piety and use utmost respect as an excuse to put you in a far away corner of my consciousness and my life.
I know you deserve the best of me.
But how selfish I’ve grown.
My activities clearly announce that I follow a different philosophy: the best of me is reserved for me.
And this philosophy I follow all the day. When I am full of energy at the start of the day, I use my energy on things that profit me—work on weekdays, fun on weekends; and explorations and more fun on holidays; movies, books or simply just hanging out in my favorite internet places on my relaxation time. These are the things my energies are primarily spent on. My mind is filled with thoughts, worries, plans, anticipation and songs for all of them. I would like to do my best for my career, mySelf, my family, my, my, my, my… me, I.
So on the rare occasion when I’m driven by a burdensome sense of duty to seek you, I come to you at the end of the day, exhausted and spent. This, I confess, is not the best of me.
And yet when the fanatic approaches and asks me again, “Do you love God?”
“Yes, yes yes!” a mix of pride and fear prompts me to answer.
Why do I say yes when my actions cannot support my words?
Why can’t I just be honest and say, “No. I have searched my heart truly and found that I don’t love God after all.”
Yet, why is it so hard to say?
“I don’t love you, Lord.”
Why can’t I bring myself to say it when I know that it is what my life declares to be true?
Do I fear you? Yes, especially when I hear of calamities.
Do I respect you? Yes. Although I promptly forget that I do when I’m sharing lascivious jokes with my friends.
Do I love you? Mmm… when I’m enjoying good things from you, yes. But that could only be because I love myself but if I love you only in connection with my love for myself then that can’t be true love…
So do I love you?
O, Lord, my God,
I ask myself, do I love you…
And truly, with my whole heart I want the answer to be, “Yes.”
So please, help me, Lord. Lead me.
Touch my heart and claim it. You look into hearts. Surely, you know that my heart wants to love you more. Lead me away from empty pursuits and help me to dwell on things that truly matter. Help me to learn to love you like you want to be loved—with all my mind and heart and soul. Help me to remember to put you first and let my love of self decrease as my love for you deepens. Let me know the thrill of discovering your truths and promises in the Scriptures. Let me know the satisfaction of choosing your humble and simple ways over what the world calls “cool” and “in.” Help me to enjoy the sincerity and calmness of prayer. And help me to know the joy of dedicating my life for your glory.
"So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth."
Revelation 3:16
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